I Let You Go by Clare Mackintosh

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I want to run, but my feet are rooted in their spot.

This has been a late winter of I-suck-at-everything days. SO many of them! You know the ones–those days you suck at working, at momming, at wifeing, at friending, at writing the PTA newsletter, even at the whole get-the-dogs-out-before-they-poop-in-the-toyroom thing. Everything you try to do fails and you are left with days full of nailed-it Pinterest moments, you know, the ones when “nailed it” means failed miserably in a way you can only laugh at because otherwise you’ll go to bed with your laptop and watch 19 episodes of Friends instead of taking care of everything you have to take care of.

We all have these days once in a while, and they are useful. They make us work harder the next day and appreciate our victories. (I know, I’m laughing too. Appreciate our victories? We need to go through hell to appreciate our damn victories? Let’s just pretend that line didn’t happen.) But for the past several weeks, every day has been an I-suck-at-everything day. Which is demoralizing. And I think to myself, “Try harder,” but that doesn’t help. It doesn’t make any difference. I’m still nailing it in the not-really kind of way.

But today was okay. Yesterday was okay, too.

Right now I’m on a date. Not my date – my son’s date. There are these weird fringe benefits to having kids who are dating but who can’t yet drive. I get three hours on my own without feeling like I have to be at the office or grocery shopping. I dropped the sweet children off at the movies and then drove around for half an hour looking for parking, and then I browsed in the bookstore for an hour and then I had a glass of wine at a bar and now I’m at the coffee shop where we decided we’d meet. Soon they’ll blow through the door and they’ll be just adorable, young and ready for everything to be fine. I’ll offer them coffee. They’ll giggle. I’ll say if they don’t like coffee, they can have smoothies. They might say yes. I’ll ask them about the movie. It’s a movie I’d like to see and I’m curious what they thought of it, I really want to know, but they’ll probably think I’m being nosy and a mom and ridiculous and embarrassing. And I will be all of those things!

I will totally nail it.

 

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