from The Excellent Lombards by Jane Hamilton


I remembered that once upon a time when he’d told me the story about how our house would come to find me, it loved me that much. p 104

If you think back to the important things in your life, did you seek them out or did they find you? Jobs, partners, houses, community, children…

When I reexamine my past it seems like most of the lifechanging events came quietly, sidling up to me in a subtle way. They weren’t capital letter important; it was if they were always there. Unplanned, unexpected and seamless. I don’t seem to be the type to intentionally look for a spouse or have to plan a pregnancy. I accidentally backed into a career and found a community of friends. We’ve been here twelve years now and it feels like the way it should be.

That being said, all of these thoughts come to the forefront only upon looking back over the life that has passed. I also see that all my wishing and hoping did not lead to another child and that some of my other efforts to forge new paths in my life did not work.

Destiny, fate. Effort and intention. Life is a pastiche of all of them. A mélange of what naturally happens and the work we do to restructure–control– the journey.

On the eve of this next birthday I’m pondering the future. I’m thankful for all I have and wondering what’s next. Is what I’m seeking right around the bend or far off down the road? If I say yes to what’s here will I miss out a better choice.

How do you know? How does one ever know? Perhaps an important moment only gains its patina, its beautiful lustrous shine, only when it becomes yours. Maybe there are no wrong outcomes, only what you make of it.

I tell myself to Trust the Process and all the other adages that people spout at you when life is rocky. Instinctively I know that’s what I should do, but it’s not easy for me. I wish these important moments would just announce themselves. Offer a hand to shake, maybe wear a nametag. Hello, I’m  __________. I’m yours, let’s go home.

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